


these nightmares always hang on past the dream

by greenneerg123



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-04-21 08:21:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenneerg123/pseuds/greenneerg123
Summary: Accepting Anxiety but not quite idk cut me some slack it's my first fic I can't know how to write a summary
Comments: 64
Kudos: 190





	1. dressed in black, heart attack, now i'm never coming back and when you're at my funeral, play this song as my soundtrack

**Author's Note:**

> This WILL get very triggering and it will include:  
-anxiety/panic attacks  
-suicidal thoughts  
-a suicide attempt  
-self harm, both graphic and just mentioned  
-feeling excluded or hated  
-negative self talk  
Just in case you didn't read the tags

Anxiety woke up with a gasp, instinctively raising his arms to protect himself, pieces of the nightmare fading from his mind. It took him a couple seconds to realise it was all just a bad dream. Safe. He is safe.

After unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep again, he turned his head to look at his alarm clock, which showed 2:37. Great. Another night of staring at the ceiling, trying not to overthink.

He put his earbuds in and his music on shuffle. _"I've got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match, what a catch"_ started playing and his lips, even though it was a sad song, quirked up in a small smile. He laid there until 8 AM, listening to Patrick's soul voice, as he mouthed along to lyrics. He would have continued to do so, if it wasn't for Patton's knock on the door.

Come out, kiddo, breakfast is ready!" was what he heard, barely over the sound of his music. Anxiety sighed. He didn't understand why Patton was so insistent on inviting him to group (or famILY, as the oldest liked to call them) meals. He stopped showing up after a week of Princey's complaints about his presence. It's not like he couldn't conjure food in his room. He rarely did, as his anxiety lessened his hunger, but he didn't need to come out of his room to do so. That, plus him being the youngest of the sides combined, made him shorter and thinner than other sides. It wasn't very noticeable with his hoodies and boots, and others never cared enough to look. Well, except Patton, but he didn't have a whole lot of chances to try as Anxiety kept himself in his room until Thomas needed him.

"Hah. As if that would ever happen!" Anxiety thought. He knew he wasn't needed for the host to function. Roman told him that enough times already. It still hurt him every time he re-realized it, not to mention the itching on his thighs that reignited into a craving to go to his blades when those thoughts resurfaced. But the pain from both the razors and knowledge he was unimportant and unwanted dulled with time.

But he was fine. Well, as fine as an embodiment of anxiety could be. Atleast that's what he told himself.


	2. you are the only one I want to see when the devil's inside my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings apply, here we have some interaction with the "Light Sides", might do this chapter and some more from Patton's POV for the next one.

Deciding to check on Thomas a bit, Anxiety stepped outside his room and was headed towards the main Mindscape area. The so called "Light Sides" were already there, discussing what course of action Thomas should take. As he went downstairs to see what all the fuss was about, he was first noticed by Roman.

"Well look who decided to show up! Are you planning to make Thomas miserable again? I won't let you, you villain!"

At that, Anxiety slumped in on himself a bit more. "I'm not ALWAYS the bad guy" he muttered. Patton started saying something about how "of course he's not" and that he "loves his dark strange son", but the damage had already been done. 

In the end, Thomas did a compromise between what Anxiety thought was the best for him and Roman's point of view. The compromise was made by Logan, who, while he didn't like Anxiety, knew just as well how dangerous Roman's plan was. While he didn't overthink every possible scenario, he did see how high the probability of injury was. 

Patton, who disliked the fighting, went into the kitchen sometime during the discussion to make lunch. It was nearing 2 PM, after all. Soon after they came to a conclusion, he popped his head back into the room to announce that lunch was ready. Anxiety took it as his cue to leave, but as he went past Patton, he was stopped and asked to stay by the eldest. 

"Why, so I can get told how unnecessary my presence is? I already know everything Princey is going to tell me, no need to repeat it." With that, he stormed into his room, hoping noone saw the tears shining in his eyes. He slammed the door and locked it. He would have the feeling of a razor on his thigh for lunch again today.


	3. love me mia i think i lost my head over you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton's POV for the previous chapters and some more!

Patton's POV 

I woke up, got dressed and went downstairs to prepare breakfast. After it was done, I went to knock on every Side's door on this side of Mindscape. That recently started to include Anxiety. Not that I'm complaining, I love my dark strange son! He stopped showing up for meals after about a week of his room moving, as Roman didn't stop taunting Anxiety no matter how much I scolded him. Even though it's been over two months, I'm still disappointed every time there's no response to my knocking. I don't know why Roman is so insistent on hating Anxiety. He doesn't cause Thomas harm, not intentionally, at least. 

After breakfast I cleaned up the dishes and then joined Logan and Roman in solving Thomas's day-to-day issues. I didn't even notice Anxiety coming down the stairs until Roman started accusing him of trying to make Thomas miserable. Completely unfair, in my opinion. I didn't want to listen to them fighting so I went into the kitchen to prepare lunch. When it was finished, I returned and told them it was ready. I caught Anxiety before he managed to slip into his room, but he was angry or sad, apparently by something Roman has said. I made a mental note to talk to Roman about it. I haven't seen Anxiety for the rest of the day. 

I asked Roman to come to my room after lunch, and he did, thinking we were going to do something fun. When I started telling him how his treatment of Anxiety was unacceptable, he was at first surprised, but then got really defensive. 

"He's a creepy cookie, Patton! I don't like him and I don't trust him. I still think Thomas would be better off without him. What does he even need Anxiety for?" 

Hearing that, I started to cry. A moment after Roman finished, I heard a door slam. I figured it must have been some wind coming from Roman's Imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm are you sure about that Patton? Who else could be the one before that door slam? (:


	4. i don't wanna die, wanna die, wanna die alone, i just wanna die when you don't pick up the telephone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is possibly the most triggering chapter so far. It includes a description of suicide and writing letters to the sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS INCLUDES A DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDE. DO NOT READ THIS IF IT TRIGGERS YOU. ESPECIALLY NOT TO TRIGGER YOURSELF ON PURPOSE. better coping mechanisms 2020

3rd person POV

After "lunch", Anxiety wiped off his tears and was on his way downstairs, when he heard his name - or, well, function, he would never tell the "Light Sides" his name and he regretted giving it to the "Dark Sides". Curious, he decided to listen for a bit.

"He's a creepy cookie, Patton! I don't like him and I don't trust him. I still think Thomas would be better off without him. What does he even need Anxiety for?"

Anxiety has heard this tons of times, but for some reason, it stuck this time. He ran back into his room and slammed the door - unintentionally, this time. He locked it and was about to run into his bathroom to cut again, when he stopped in his tracks. What if Thomas was truly better off without him? What if he was hurting Thomas with his presence?

And that was the moment he realized he wanted to die. Before, he just wanted to not exist, but now he actively wanted to die. And he knew just what to do about it. He spent the rest of the day (and night) writing letters to the other Sides and theorizing what would happen once he went through with it. He ended up being convinced that probably nothing weird would happen and if he was truly needed, a new Anxiety would manifest. He spent a lot of time making the letters perfect.

First, there were letters for the Dark:

Remus:

I know you scared me, but I'd like to think we were friends before my room moved and you all didn't want to believe I didn't do it. It was Thomas who did it and I still don't know why. Your pranks might be disturbing sometimes, but they can be fun when someone stops them from going too far. I miss you.

Virgil

Ethan:

We used to be real close, you and I. It's a shame I lost my best friend when my room got moved. I thought you would know I wasn't lying, but I guess rage got the best of you. Also, please take care of Charlotte. Princey will kill her if you don't remove her from my room. I miss you.

Virgil

When those two were done, he moved on to the letters for the Light:

Patton:

Well, I guess I should say thank you for being the only one that even pretended to care. Your kind words were what was stopping me from doing this before, even though I knew it was fake. I should really just hurry up and stop hurting Thomas.

Virgil Anxiety Sanders

Logan: You helped me calm down when I had panic attacks, and I appreciate it a lot, even though I know it was so it wouldn't influence Thomas. You won't have to worry about it anymore, as even if by some stupid reason the Mindscape decides to make a new Anxiety, you can just kill it while it's young or teach it how to suppress its effect on Thomas. Sorry you had to deal with me.

Virgil Anxiety Sanders

Roman:

You finally got what you wanted. Sorry for not giving it to you earlier. If you get mad that it wasn't you what killed me, I give you my consent on slicing my head off for good measure. Not that my consent matters anyway, I've learned that during the "Making Some Changes" and "Becoming a Cartoon" videos.

Virgil Anxiety Sanders

After he finished, he locked the door to his room, went into his bathroom and locked that, too. He took the razor in his hands and sliced up his left forearm. It hurt, it hurt a ton, but he quickly took the razor into his left arm and tried to replicate the cut. It was a bit more squigly as he was losing feeling in his hand. Then, he blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry, also I had him sign the first two letters with just "Virgil" bc they know his name already and the last three as "Virgil Anxiety Sanders" so that they learned his name but also it sounds less personal.


	5. i'm the instigator, fuck the world, i love my haters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I directly borrowed some lines from actual episodes and I'm not ashamed of admitting it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got mentioned some canon stuff that wasn't canon yet during AA and then some completely not canon stuff. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

While Patton was crying, he felt the Mindscape shake. He looked at Roman.

"Did you feel that, too?"

"Yeah, let's go check on Thomas." Roman replied.

When they popped up in the real world, they saw Logan already there. It seemed like he was confused about something.

"Is something the problem, Calculator Watch?"

"Yes, Roman. When I arrived here, it looked like Thomas had an anxiety attack, but then it suddenly stopped, which is good for him, but highly unusual. I think it has something to do with Anxiety, but I don't want to overwhelm him by barging into his room."

"Anxiety! He made Thomas have an anxiety attack! That fiend!" Roman exclaimed.

"You know, I'm pretty sure he can only pass it down on Thomas if he also has one" said Patton. He just wanted to check on his dark strange son, but because Logan pointed out that they could overwhelm him, he stayed quiet.

"Wait, why did you two come out here in the first place?" Logan asked after a few moments of silence.

"Well, you know, we felt the Mindscape shake and we came to check on Thomas." came from the worried dad.

"You said you felt the Mindscape shake? Oh no oh no no no no no Patton, don't you remember when it has happened before? Twice, to be exact?"

Blood drained from Patton's face. He felt like he was going to puke.

"Are you implying Anxiety might be…"

"Considering known facts, yes, I'm afraid he is." They shared a look and started sinking out, but Roman grabbed them, stopping them from leaving.

"What on earth are you guys talking about?! What did he do again?"

Patton looked like he was trying to find his words, but eventually gave up, so Logan started explaining: "Well, as I said, it has happened twice. Once when Apathy got stuck in the Subconscious and we almost didn't find him in time, so we locked it up, and the second time-" Logan stopped in the middle of his sentence and looked at Thomas, not wanting to reveal too much, and continued: "You should be more than knowledgeable about, if you know what I mean. Essentially, it happens when Thomas is losing a Side in some way. . Which means that, for some reason, Anxiety is fading."

"What?!" shouted Thomas. "How do we stop it?! While he didn't want to admit it before, he realized he got used to a sarcastic Side sitting on the stairs. He couldn't imagine having him just… Gone.

"For that, we need to go into his room. Just think of things that would normally make you anxious. That's the corner of your mind we need to go to." After Logan finished talking, the Host nodded and tried to think anxious thoughts. They started to sink out…

And popped right back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, did you want them to help Virgil already? What a shame.


	6. i hold a fallen angel inside of my arms, don't worry baby the vultures will no longer be doing you harm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think some will be relieved with this chapter, however the angst is not over yet...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is BLOOD, BLOOD, GALLONS OF THE STUFF, GAVE THEM ALL THAT THEY COULD DRINK AND IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH, I GAVE YOU BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOOOOOD, GRAB A GLASS BECAUSE THERE'S GOING TO BE A FLOOD

"What? How?" asked Patton. Logan seemed to have an idea, but then shook his head. Then he spoke:

"Could it be that he locked his room? I don't know why he would do it as then we can't rise up in it to help him and that would imply that he doesn't want to be helped, which is preposterous, but if that's the case, we can rise into the corridor before it and I can pick the lock. Does everyone agree to this plan?" 

"Wait wait wait, why would he not want to be helped if we're losing him?" Roman asked confused. 

"Well, kiddo, I hope I'm wrong, but sometimes it feels like he **wants** to disappear with the way he talks about himself." 

Roman knew what Patton was implying and he didn't like the thought of that at all. He didn't like Anxiety, but he didn't want to find a corpse in his room, either. So he started rushing everyone to go. 

"Go, go, go, go, as Logan said, we're sinking out and going to the hallway to his room!" 

They did just that and the logical side summoned a lockpick kit and went to work. Patton was trembling, Roman was pacing and Thomas… Thomas stopped acting like himself. He took his pants off and he tried to go look at the other rooms that were in the area. That made Patton even more nervous, as it meant Anxiety has officially clocked out. He stopped Thomas from leaving just as Logan opened the door. 

"Whoa… So this is Anxiety's room…" started Thomas. "If this is his room, where is Anxiety?" 

Patton went to the bed of the youngest and checked it. "He's not here…" Logan noticed the light coming from under the bathroom door. He walked over, tried to open it while still walking and collided with it as it didn't open. 

He sighed and took out his kit again. After he was done, Patton pushed past him and opened the door. He walked into the bathroom, looked around and screamed. 

First thing he saw was how much blood there was. It looked like Anxiety was sleeping on the floor and someone dumped a bucket of dark red paint on him. He rushed to his "son" 's side and was really happy to see some breathing. Very shallow, but breathing nonetheless. By then, Logan, Roman and Thomas were already by his side. He didn't even notice when he started crying.

Logan gently pushed him aside and summoned a first aid kit. He cleaned the wounds, first with a wet towel, then with a q-tip dipped in alcohol. Then, he started suturing. He got Roman to summon him an IV drip and some blood bags of Thomas's blood type. When he stitched Anxiety up, he and Roman carried him to Logan's bedroom where Patton shakily summoned another bed. They put Anxiety on it and connected him to the IV. Logan also summoned a heart rate monitor and connected Anxiety to it. He was pleased to Anxiety's heart rate improving from barely being there to something almost stable. 

Then, Thomas came into the room with what seemed like multiple letters. He handed them over to Patton, whose hands weren't bloodied. The other two snapped the blood away and received theirs. 

"Why are there so many letters, who are they for?" Thomas asked. Logan quickly replied "You are not prepared yet to know about them, however we will make sure that the letters get to them." Thomas wasn't satisfied with this answer, but decided to drop it there. Logan advised him to get some sleep, so Thomas sank out back into the real world and got prepared to try to sleep. He doubted he would actually get any, the sight of his Anxiety bleeding out on the floor popping up behind his closed eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure everything will be fine now :)


	7. love bites, love bites, now she's never letting go and the scars don't lie bout what the eyes don't show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've got two reactions to the letters and general happenings in this fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I kinda disappeared, I was sick and could barely do anything :( I'm better now though.

The next morning, Thomas was behaving completely like himself again. Logan took it as a sign that Anxiety was getting better. Before he went down for breakfast, he chose to read Anxiety's letter to him. He opened it and before he even started to read it, he broke down, the events of the previous day finally getting to him. After descending from full on crying to sobbing, he started reading:

"Logan:

You helped me calm down when I had panic attacks, and I appreciate it a lot, even though I know it was so it wouldn't influence Thomas." 

Did Anxiety really think he was only doing it to help Thomas? He really didn't see it was to help _HIM_? 

"You won't have to worry about it anymore, as even if by some stupid reason the Mindscape decides to make a new Anxiety, you can just kill it while it's young or teach it how to suppress its effect on Thomas." 

What?! Oh no, Anxiety, did you really think so low of yourself? I'm so sorry I didn't show you before how much you're worth! 

"Sorry you had to deal with me. 

Virgil Anxiety Sanders" 

At that last line, Logan was crying again. He was curious about the trait's name, but he wanted to learn it in a moment of trust and closeness, not like this… 

Then he remember he still had to give the letters to the "Dark Sides". He always found the name a bit unfitting, as no Side is completely good or bad. But because Patton and in turn Thomas saw the world in black and white, they were separated, too. He went to the hallway to the other side of the Mindscape. He looked at the names. It seemed like Anx-Virgil knew they wouldn't be the ones to find him, as there was a name written on the first envelope, but crossed out and had "Deceit" written on it. He went to the yellow door and knocked. 

"Deceit? I have something for you, as well as some unfortunate news." 

The door opened, revealing a suspicious Side in his pajamas. They were black with yellow snakes on them. 

"What do you want, Logic?" he asked. 

"Well, you see, Anxiety… No, Virgil" Deceit's eyes widened at that "has… I don't know how to say it, I guess I'll just be blunt… He had tried to kill himself yesterday. We got him in a stable condition in my room, but he hasn't woken up yet. I'm here because he wrote us all letters and I want to give yours to you. None of us read it, I promise. I will leave you now to read it." With that, he handed the letter over and left, going down the hallway, in the direction of Remus's door. 

Deceit stood stunned next to the door, only closing it when Logan was out of sight. Then, he sat down on the floor next to his bed and broke down. No matter what he told himself, he knew he still cared about Virgil. He was angry because he left, but now that he thought about it, he never listened to him when he tried to explain why he left. He started reading:

"Ethan:

We used to be real close, you and I. It's a shame I lost my best friend when my room got moved. I thought you would know I wasn't lying, but I guess rage got the best of you."

Deceit read that part, then read it again. Then it dawned on him. Virgil didn't leave on purpose! His room got moved! He felt like he was such a jerk and also like it was atleast partly his fault Virgil now laid motionless in Logic's room. He read on:

"Also, please take care of Charlotte. Princey will kill her if you don't remove her from my room. I miss you. 

Virgil" 

He quietly sunk into Virgil's room and retrieved Charlotte and her terrarium. He kept thinking about how much he missed Virgil, too. When he got back into his room, he gently put it on his desk, slumped down on the floor and wept.


	8. prisoner of misery, breaking out with razor blades, backseat of my vehicle and bleeding from your fucking face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is Remus, so that comes as a warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is there throughout (did I write that right) the entire chapter, so warning. No sexual innuendos, but mentions of some gory stuff.

While Deceit was dealing with his feelings, Logan stopped at Remus's. The creative Side joyfully invited him inside. 

"Logie! What brings you into my tragic duchy?! I know I’m not the most precise Side out there, but if you came here to dissect something, this is the right place! Oooooh, do you want to make a scarf out of intestines? Or hard boiled eyes? Or-" he stopped rambling when he noticed the tear tracks on Logan's cheeks. He became worried, as the logical side rarely expressed emotions. "What happened?" 

"I don't really know how to say this, but, Virgil" - Remus showed a shocked expressions- "has, has, has t- tr- tried to kill himself yesterday. He is in my room and currently stable, but not yet awake. I came here to give you your letter that he wrote. None of us opened it, as it's not our business."

With that words, Logan looked up, prepared to hand over the letter and leave, but instead of seeing shock or tears, he was met with fury. 

"What. did. Roman. do. this. time." coldly asked the brother. Logan took a step back and answered: "While I can't know for sure, as I was with Thomas right before it happened, I don't believe it was Roman's fault. From what I heard, Roman and Patton were in Patton's room and Virgil in his when it took place. I think there was some other factor that pushed him over the edge, but I'm not excluding the possibility that it was Roman's words that brought him to the edge in the first place." That seemed to calm Remus down a bit, but he still looked like he was going to murder someone. Logan remained calm and handed over the letter and left. He stopped by the door and said: "I have time tomorrow at 6 o'clock if you still want to do the dissecting you mentioned." 

That calmed Remus down and he tackled Logan in a hug. As soon as the logical Side left, though, he took his morning star and ran into his side of the Imagination, sad, angry and confused. 


	9. black fur, nosebleeds, gold teeth, can't sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Creativitwins reading the letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make it known that Roman's behaviour wasn't okay but not make him the bad guy. Let me know if I failed.

Remus destroyed everything he saw for a while, until the anger died down and sadness rose up. He took the letter out of his pocket and began to read:

"Remus: 

I know you scared me, but I'd like to think we were friends before my room moved and you all didn't want to believe I didn't do it. It was Thomas who did it and I still don't know why. Your pranks might be disturbing sometimes, but they can be fun when someone stops them from going too far. I miss you. 

Virgil"

The "I miss you" at the end was the last straw. He couldn't stop crying and just sat in the Imagination for what could have been hours or minutes, noone knew. 

When Roman woke up, he, at first, didn't remember why he was sad. Then, it all came back. He began shaking, feeling guilty for Anxiety's actions. He realized he acted quite unprincely towards Anxiety in the past. Shame flooded him and he sincerely hoped that one day, he could make it up to the youngest. Prince got up to get dressed for the day, when he saw Anxiety's letter still unopened. He opened it, afraid of being the reason behind the duck out. 

"Roman:

You finally got what you wanted. Sorry for not giving it to you earlier." 

He knew that Anxiety was talking about all the times Roman told him that Thomas would be better off without him. He didn't think it would hurt Anxiety that much - screw that, he hoped it would hurt, just that it didn't push him over. Roman knew an asshole when he saw one, even if it was by looking in the mirror. 

"If you get mad that it wasn't you what killed me, I give you my consent on slicing my head off for good measure."

Roman was shocked. He knew his treatment of Anxiety was unacceptable, but that Anxiety thought so low of both Roman and himself… He was speechless. 

"Not that my consent matters anyway, I've learned that during the "Making Some Changes" and "Becoming a Cartoon" videos."

Roman's mind immediately went to "The Dark Side Of Disney" video and he noticed how fixed on importance of consent the darker side was. Of course, it's EXTREMELY important and he would never do the do with someone who didn't tell him they wanted it, but it seemed like the forced changing was too much. 

"Virgil Anxiety Sanders"

Roman was openly crying after reading the signature. He didn't think he would ever know Virgil's name, but he'd prefer it to how he got it.


	10. the x and o's get oversold and turn into a fistfight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton's turn to cry!

Patton woke up and heard crying. He was instantly hit with the events of the previous day, it felt like he got ran over by a train. He wanted to protect his poor little anxious baby, but how can he do it when the only one putting his son in danger is Anxiety himself? Being the core of Thomas's feelings, he felt both his own sadness and that of Thomas. Even though his vision was still blurry from all the tears, he tried to get ready. When he tried to grab his glasses, he accidentally grabbed the envelope next to it. At first, he was confused, but then he managed to put on his glasses and that was when the tears spilled. He wanted to know what Anxiety wanted to tell him as his last words that luckily wouldn't be that. 

"Patton:

Well, I guess I should say thank you for being the only one that even pretended to care."

"Oh, oh baby no, I was never pretending" thought Patton. 

"Your kind words were what was stopping me from doing this before, even though I knew it was fake." 

That made Patton's heart hurt in a previously unknown way and his gut twist. He didn't want to imagine how many times Anxiety must have cried himself to sleep, not wanting to be alive. 

"I should really just hurry up and stop hurting Thomas. 

Virgil Anxiety Sanders" 

Patton hugged his teddy bear as he realized just how convinced Anxiety - no, Virgil - was that he was hurting Thomas. He knew his son didn't realize just how important he was to him and to Thomas's wellbeing, but he never imagined just how bad it was. He also liked the name. Patton thought it really fit. 

After finishing reading, he decided to ask Logan to visit Virgil. When he arrived, he noticed the door to Logan's room was opened and the logical side wasn't present. He saw a figure lying on a hospital bed, breathing shallowly. He entered and sat down next to Virgil. 

"Hey. I know you can't hear me right now, but I want to tell you that I love you. You're my kiddo and always have been. When you wake up, I will feed you cookies and when you're healed, I'll fight you for writing and thinking all those mean things about yourself."

Virgil shifted on the bed, and for a moment Patton thought he was going to wake up. After a few moments, though, Virgil stilled again and Patton's hopes faded away.


	11. locked up find the key i can feel these walls closing in on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one shows even more how close to dying Virgil is

Virgil was floating in darkness, waiting for everything to end. Right before it did, he heard panicked voices around him and felt his body being moved. He felt a needle in his arms, like someone was stitching him up, but it was like he was on really strong painkillers, like it was only scratching his skin. Then, in his left elbow, he felt something pressing in. He assumed he was put on IV. He didn't like the thought of that. Who was stopping him from properly dying?! 

He instinctively tried to frown, but he didn't have enough control over his body anymore. Then, he fell asleep. 

In his dreams, he saw everyone panicking, Logan sending Thomas to sleep and then falling asleep himself. Virgil saw Logan wake up and read his own letter, crying, then he saw him carrying the letters to Ethan and Remus. When he saw them breaking down, he was 100% sure it was his mind playing tricks on him. They hated him, they surely were celebrating when they heard the news. He saw both Patton and Roman wake up and break down. 

Then, he got sucked into his memories. Whatever was showing him those, must have wanted him alive, realized Virgil, as it skipped the fights, the crying and his self destructive behaviours. He still remembered them, though. The longer he was watching, the weaker he felt. He was not fighting it, because he knew it was the Mindscape recycling his energy to make a new Anxiety. 

Patton was brought out of his trance next to Virgil when he heard crying from what sounded like a child. And it was coming from Virgil's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you weren't expecting that


	12. crossing fingers, cutting symbols in my arms, she told me she's nocturnal 'cos she only fucks with stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for leaving you for so long on kind of a cliffhanger, depression is a bitch and school sucks ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I hope this chapter makes up for it

When Patton ran to see what was going on, he saw Virgil's door breaking. He screamed in horror and called out for Logan and Roman. Roman, being the Creativity, could make his royal subjects live their lives like a real person would. Maybe he could keep Virgil from breaking up and making a new Anxiety? They didn't wanna do it before, as they were scared it would interfere with his personality and function. Now, though, it was the only chance they had in getting Virgil back as him and not reborn, child Anxiety. 

Roman ran to where he heard the scream come from, and froze when he saw Patton and Logan picking up pieces of paint that fell off the purple-black door. He glanced at them and saw pleading in their eyes. He knew what he had to do. He put his hands on the door and sent in a big burst of energy. As the crying worsened and then died down, he realized it killed the spark of life that was feeding off of Virgil's. While he felt bad, he knew they couldn't have two Anxieties walking around the Mindscape. One of them would kill the other, and he wanted the one that was Virgil to survive. 

Virgil suddenly felt like he was hit with a train, but if the train was made of pure energy. He felt stronger than before and, while he desperately tried to fight it off, he felt that he was waking up. 

He opened his eyes, recognised Logic's room and immediately groaned. 

"Oh come on! I was so fucking close!" 

When Patton heard that, his first impulse was that he yelled a "Language!". Only then his brain processed the voice and the place it came from. He screamed "Virgil!!!" and took off down the hallway. He didn't see how the youngest flinched when he heard the self proclaimed dad use his name before he remembered that he gave it to them. He tried to sit up to hide from the inevitable hugs, when he was stopped by the weird straps coming from the table. 

"Huh. I guess they wanted me to be safe in case I woke up alone. That's weird." he thought. Then, the door slammed open and he felt his anger bubbling under the surface. 

"Why the hell did you do that?!?" he yelled, only feeling a pang of guilt when Patton jumped back. He wasn't done yet, though. 

"I was so fucking close and one of you assholes ruined it for me!" He started tearing off the straps and tried to run to his room, when suddenly Logic was laying on him, restraining him from moving. 

"Get the fuck off of me! I hate you I fucking hate you!" He kept screaming hateful words and kicking, punching and biting. Eventually, he tired out and fell back asleep. Logan readjusted the straps and wiped off his tears. Roman was hugging Patton, who was shaking and crying. After a bit of discussion, Logan stayed with Virgil, prepared to calm him down when he awoke once again, while Patton and Roman went to collect Deceit and Remus for a group talk. They all felt like one was long overdue. 


	13. when i'm on the roof you could picture me falling, when i'm in chains you would let me starve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have two new characters in this one!

They all gathered in Logan's room, so that when Virgil woke up, he would be safe. Patton was still crying while everyone else was quiet. Then, Roman stood up. 

"I'm going to get Dr. Picani from the Imagination. I think we will need him here." 

Logan hummed in agreement, but Patton, Deceit and Remus looked like they were in a trance. 

About ten minutes later, Roman returned with the doctor and the sleepy figment that was persistent on, as he put it, "knowing all the hottest tea in the Mindscape". A knowing look from Emile told him that his worry about what the main Sides would need a therapist for didn't go unnoticed. As soon as they stepped in, Remy dropped his Starbucks. Even though they kept a facade before Thomas, Remy was quite protective of the youngest. He started to cry and would not go away from the anxious Side, hugging him tightly. 

Virgil awoke to some sunglasses poking his face and a smell of coffee. He tensed, but then he put two and two together and relaxed. He mumbled something noone understood. Remy gasped and moved away so they could hear him. 

"What was that, sweetie?" he asked. Virgil asked "Why are you crying? What's going on?" in a small voice.

"Well, that's what I wanted to ask you. Roman came to get Emile and I tagged along, then when we got here I saw you with completely bandaged arms! Who hurt you, darling?" asked Remy. There was a tiny voice in the back of his head that told him what happened, but he didn't want to believe it.

".... I'm sorry, Rem. But I only hurt Thomas. I shouldn't be a Side. So I tried to fade and I almost managed to. Something stopped me though. I don't know what it was, it was like a burst of energy." 

Remy looked like someone told him Starbucks closed down forever. He held Virgil close and whispered stuff to the small Side nobody else heard. Then, Picani cleared his throat. 

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but Virgil I'm afraid you will need to be closely monitored for the next few weeks, with a regular therapy schedule. I think it will be the easiest if you move to the Imagination, where I'm sure Roman can conjure up a proper place if I tell him what needs to be included."

"It will be more likely for me to live if you put me into one Remus made, because I'm pretty sure Princey here wants me dead just much as I do, haha, but you do you." answered Virgil, leaving everyone stunned. Remus looked pissed, told Virgil he would be glad to do it and dragged Roman out of the room, presumably to yell at him.

Deceit approached Virgil: "I'm so fucking sorry I was such a jerk, I really thought you just left for no reason and with no explanation, but my behaviour was unacceptable. Can we please make up?". Now it was Virgil's turn to cry, he finally got his friend back! He nodded, nodded and nodded until it looked like his head would fall off. He was so happy, he couldn't breathe… then, he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's talk of institutialization because newsflash, that's what happens when you try to kill yourself. Also, I love protective Remy.


	14. i'm scared of blowing up without my 5150

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short garbage chapter bc i felt bad for not writing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny garbage chapter bc I have stuff going on. I didn't have wifi last week and when I came home I was hit with a writers block. Add some "untherapeuthic thoughts", as they called them at the ward and you get long time no chapter.

Deceit caught Virgil in his arms and, with some help from Patton, laid him back on the bed. Logan went out of the room to find the twins, so that the safe place would be ready before Virgil woke up. 

He found Roman being scolded by Remus and asked for the prepared complex in the Imagination for therapy and monitoring of Virgil. Remus closed his eyes and concentrated really hard. He was muttering to himself: "No, no…. Maybe?... No. How about?... No.. Yes! Perfect!" Then, he opened his eyes and wiped the sweat off his forehead. "It's finished, the door is where our sides of the Mindscape meet. I figured we will all want to visit him. I tried to make it as safe as I could, so you will need to prepare meals for him and bring the cutlery for every meal." 

Logan looked relieved and went back to his door, intending to go into his room. Right as he reached the door handle, the door opened and Virgil slammed into him. Being much more sturdy, Logan barely shook while the anxious side basically bounced off of him back into the room. Apparently, he had woken up again and tried to run to the Imagination to hide and get killed by one of these monsters the twins loved to fight. Roman, who was way stronger from his quests, put him over his shoulder and yelled for Remus to lead the way. They got him settled in and then Picani took him to a private room for a therapy session. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you it was short and garbage


	15. we'll fight for those that have faith in us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter my dudes!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some triggering stuff, less than in previous chapters but still, be cautious.

A few months later, after some ups and downs, Virgil seemed to be steadily improving. They even let him go back in his room, which he was extremely grateful for. There had been some times they put him back into the facility for emergencies, for example when Logan found himself to be summoned into Virgil's room where there was a noose and Virgil begging him to stop the thoughts, or when they had to put him on IV because of dehydration that happened after many almost back-to-back panic attacks. But, he was getting better. Picani (who is both a psychiatrist and a psychologist in this fic because I can) slowly lowered his meds and when Virgil looked in the mirror, he saw something worth living. He was…. Almost stable. And he was happy. He had a loving family that once again included Ethan and Remus, Thomas valued him as a Side and he was finally able to drop the defensive persona. The Palaye Royale song he related to the most wasn't Lonely or Dying In A Hot Tub anymore, it was Don't Feel Quite Right and You'll Be Fine. It was a good feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! I might write more about the time he was in the psychiatry, if any of you say you would read it. I would put some of my and people I know's personal experience in it. If you don't feel like it would be interesting, please tell me.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if I made any grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I'm Guilty I Promise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26962000) by [Aimandfire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aimandfire/pseuds/Aimandfire)


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